Preservation is Power
Queen of Spades
Greetings everyone and welcome to A Queen’s Ramblings.
If I had to symbolize my life in 2016 with one word, it would be “Preservation”.
There has been speculation as to why I haven’t put out anything since January of this year—from developing writer’s block to being disillusioned with sales. I’ve never been a sales driven author so I chuckle when people reach that conclusion. I have not been blocked—at least not in the way people think. Most associate being blocked with lacking inspiration, but on the contrary, there has been inspiration abound.
Still, they inquire, “Queen, what is the issue?”
There is no issue—only preservation.
A tragedy occurred late last year—the death of a connection that was tremendously important to me. I did not think the longevity would be short circuited but I had to see the frayed wires for what they were. It’s like an inspector coming to your house and noting the entire wiring has to be fixed in order to function properly, but you making the decision to just use duct tape, or not do anything at all, believing the problem will just fix itself. In this case, I was the inspector. The other party did not want to fix the problem but wanted to make it bearable. That, I could not bear.
My layer of functionality, even when undercurrents exist, is quite high. The actions of my grandparents taught me early to keep moving forward. The actions of the world demonstrated that little to no one cared about one person’s suffering. I told myself that after I finished “this article” or “that editing job” or “put out this publication” that I would tackle the aftermath.
It was around this moment last year when I made the proclamation to halt publishing so I could continue working on Lacross Lane. Over 11,000 words were typed when the computer I used went kaput. Unfortunately, I failed to backup the file. While debating between trashing the Lacross Lane concept or starting all over, a great fog settled in. No matter how many mantras of positivity I chanted or bullet points of inspiration I tacked up, this heaviness did not cease.
Then, I remembered. I had yet to deal with my grief.
It’s not that I felt nothing. The issue was I felt everything … each emotion clamoring for position but not one emerging as the victor. Numbness became the result, but that strategy was no longer working. The inaction spread to other areas of my life. Deadlines didn’t mean as much. Some appointments slipped through the cracks. I could not flaw someone’s logic if they concluded I was depressed.
Me, depressed? I didn’t have time for all that. Apparently, according to the therapist recommended to me, time had been made.
I mumbled, even grit my teeth, but I began to do the work. I began what was the most difficult task, not just now but throughout my life—tending to myself first. Along the way, I revitalized old habits, discovered new things about myself. My emotions no longer competed but stepped forth at will, and unlike before, where I would elicit suppression, I permitted freedom of vulnerability without labeling it as “being weak”.
I haven’t decided whether Lacross Lane is “gone” or “a go” but that is okay. I’ve been writing a bunch yet being in the publishing rat race is not top priority.
When I’m ready, I’ll know.
I’ve taken a realistic look at my time and deciphered what activities are filler, along with what activities no longer give me joy. The ones that fit under the aforementioned, I cast aside.
My third eye zoned in on my connections. Those which are past their expiration date, I’ve released. Before, pressure would exist to explain my case—like a lawyer appealing to the judge and jury. Don’t get me wrong: if a person asks me, then I will reveal. The funny thing is that most who have been downgraded don’t even realize it has taken place.
As All Authors Magazine reaches its third year anniversary, I’ve learned so much. The biggest lesson of all is that to sustain longevity, there must be a steadfast dedication to self-preservation.
To all the Readers, Writers, and Precious Patrons, cheers and see you in 2017!
Attention Readers: What word symbolizes your 2016 year? Submit your responses to email@example.com with “Issue 19” as the subject. Your response could be used in a future issue.